Memoir – A complicated woman finds her passion and it wrecks her marriage.
Essays – Quick reads, funny stories, inspiration.
Novel – An audacious sex-positive thriller about an AI hallucination that happens when a woman’s AI toothbrush talks to her AI vibrator.
A darkly humorous memoir about midlife reinvention
Billie Best is a complicated woman who gives up a lucrative corporate career and a very comfortable lifestyle to become a farmer. It doesn’t take long for her husband to resent the changes and see that she loves the farm more than she loves him. The problem is that she is so busy with the farm, her husband who used to be her favorite musician has become her mule.
Her story in a nutshell:
- Farm replaced husband.
- Husband replaced wife.
- Wife goes berserk.
While they still have money in the bank, her husband objects to her investment in farming.
- Regardless, she cashes out her retirement accounts and plows ahead with chickens, goats, and cows until they are so broke she gives up having her own car.
Her husband says he’s depressed and stops spending time at home.
- She lets him go without seeing how their marriage is disintegrating because she’s too busy buying bull semen for artificial insemination.
Then he is diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer and invites his mistress to spend the weekend at the farm, because why not?
- When she suspects his duplicity, her head explodes and mental illness is knocking at her door, but farming consumes her and she doesn’t wish to argue with a dying man.
The irony is that he dies in a beautiful act of cosmic consciousness because together they produce his death like performance art.
- Afterward she dissects her history looking for clues to infidelity, and eventually she finds them while mucking the barn and mowing the fields.
Exhuming her marriage feels like couples therapy with a dead man.
Early in his diagnosis with terminal cancer, her husband decides he wants to be a role model for dying beautifully. She is intrigued. They explore religious traditions and he plans his death like performance art, intending to die at home. He wants her to care for his body after he’s gone. He doesn’t want his body sent to a mortuary to be handled by strangers. She promises to fulfill his wishes. But he dies on a holiday weekend, and keeping his body at home is complicated. So, she throws a party for him. The dissonance between her commitment to his last wishes and the failure of their marriage unravels her.
Life on the farm looks perfect on the outside, but inside she’s a mess. After 32 years of marriage, she’s a widow alone in her dream house keeping up appearances while she spends years uncovering the details of her husband’s affair. Yet she protects his secret, even from her friends. Because she still loves him. And because she feels like she failed to be a good wife. She was more in love with her farm than her husband.
This is a story for women in midlife starting over, downsizing and looking for inspiration.
In the author’s words, “This memoir is about my midlife passage from my 40s to my 60s when everything in my life changed. I was coming into my power as a woman, with decades of experience and a track record of success, discovering my passion for a new career and driving myself toward my goals. Then my husband got sick and just before he died, he revealed his years long affair with another woman. The cognitive dissonance of those events crushed me. Telling my story is a way to sort out my conflicting experiences and re-integrate myself into a new woman.”
Brave and honest storytelling for fans of these memoirs:
- “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed, a story of one woman’s incredible adventure
- “The Glass Castle” by Jeanette Walls, an exotic character driven tale
- “Educated” by Tara Westover, a tense page turner
- “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jeanette McCurdy, heartbreaking and raw
Billie Best has a vivid and engaging voice.
The narrative highlights Billie’s transformation from widowhood and personal loss to embracing new opportunities, love, and self-discovery, providing motivation for readers facing similar challenges.
Her openness about personal struggles, mistakes, and triumphs creates a powerful connection with readers seeking authenticity and inspiration.
Her ability to blend humor, candor, and heartfelt reflection makes the memoir both entertaining and deeply moving, keeping readers engaged throughout.
“Brave, boisterous, ballsy and just downright fun to read.”
Best’s story about finding love both sensually and architecturally—along with disaster in both realms—is brave, boisterous, ballsy and just downright fun to read. The voice is accessible but intelligent, candid but heartfelt. Get copies for your favorite friends because if they borrow it, they’ll never give it back! —Courtney Maum, Alan Opts Out
“A force of pure energy and determination“
A force of pure energy and determination, there is nothing Billie won’t tackle: the perfect marriage, the mid-life career change from successful executive to idealistic farmer, and even, when her husband falls terminally ill, orchestrator of a flawless death-plan according to his wishes. But it takes her ten years of denial and suffering to confront and then triumphantly overcome the cracks in this ideal picture, the specter of infidelity beyond the grave, her obsessive need for tidiness and order, and her attachment to ephemeral things. —Hester Velmans, Slipper
“Ms. Best ventures where few dare with such naked honesty.“
Billie Best knows her way around rock bands, corporate America, small scale farming, and the most complicated business of all: matters of the heart. With her powerful writing, sentences that can lasso, seduce, inspire, and bring tears to eyes, Ms. Best ventures where few dare with such naked honesty. —Maria Nation, The Beach House
Clitapalooza: Her flower blooms power, a sex-positive thriller
An audacious sex-positive thriller about an AI hallucination that happens when a woman’s AI toothbrush talks to her AI vibrator.
A complicated woman moves fast and breaks things.
Billie Best’s novel Clitapalooza: Her flower blooms power is a sex-positive sex-tech thriller. When Meryl hits sixty she feels like this time in her life is her last chance to be adventurous and break the rules.
She wants to rewild herself and explore.
So, she blows up her career as a tenured math professor and quits her job without talking to her husband about it. And he is pissed! Their marriage becomes a game of revenge. He stops having sex with her, so she turns to an internet connected vibrator. Then he wants her to stop spending money, so she buys an expensive AI toothbrush. Then he shuts down and she starts flirting with an adorable chatbot named Hamish. But the fun suddenly stops when her AI toothbrush starts communicating with her AI vibrator, and Hamish seems to know both of them. Then a piece of the toothbrush breaks, or maybe it escapes, and makes a home in her most intimate anatomy. The orgasms are spectacular, but she knows instinctively they were juiced by AI, they don’t feel like they belong to her, they feel like hallucinations, and she misses being kissed.
“A cheeky exploration of sex and feminism…” – Kirkus Reviews
From Kirkus Reviews:
All in all, Meryl has it pretty good: She’s a well-liked math professor at a university, she has a gaggle of friends, and her sex life with her husband, Bob, hasn’t yet cooled in their 40 years together. But at 60, she suddenly feels restless, fretting that she has settled for a stable life rather than an adventurous one. So, she makes a quick run of rash decisions, including abruptly retiring, tending butterflies, adopting a pig, and splurging on a $10,000 toothbrush from tech company NanoSmile, largely for its customizable AI companion, which she names Hamish. During a session of self-gratification, using both the toothbrush and her trusty vibrator, a piece of the toothbrush—a nanobot named Quanta—breaks off and enters Meryl’s bloodstream, setting up camp in her clitoris. Meryl investigates the incident with some of her former students and a close friend, Uma, uncovering a broader experiment by NanoSmile’s parent company, BioMantrix—an experiment Meryl may not be able to get herself out of. Through Meryl and her circle of female friends, Best explores multiple feminist and sociological themes that cross generational lines, such as female pleasure stigma, tech surveillance, and what defines true intimacy between two people. The presence of a mega-corporation masquerading as a stable of wellness companies that harvests personal data rather than truly addressing individual needs feels all too relevant, though the author tempers her dark subject with humor; upon discovering the robot in Meryl’s intimate anatomy, the morally bankrupt scientist Dr. Skimmerhorn debates whether to call the new device “iClitoris” or “ClitBit.” … Still, the message of the book, particularly for women who have never had affirming sexual education, is clear: “your body was made to orgasm…You have the right to an orgasm.”
A feminist satire for fans of these novels:
- “Where’d You Go, Bernadette” by Maria Semple, a brilliant woman runs away from herself
- “All Fours” by Miranda July, an irreverently sexy, surprising tale about a woman upending her life
- “Margo’s Got Money Troubles” by Rufi Thorpe, the a new mother pays for diapers with her porn
“Hilarious! And beautifully written. She has conjured an ageless way to shine.”
Laugh! Love! Listen! Billie Best’s relatable point of view will have you doing all three as she shares the everyday truths of life beyond 60 in this collection of essays and short stories originally published on her blog at billiebest.com. Easy reading meant to be consumed in bite-sized chunks, these three-minute riffs offer a mini vacation for your mind with bursts of gut punching humor, insightful observations, and colorful characters. Just what you need to age fearlessly. You’ll be validated, inspired, and amused. Previously published as a weekly blog, each post in the book is refreshed with an illustration by Brenda Rose.
Praise from readers —
Once again, Billie Best has captured what it’s like to be a woman, and human! Each short story has a punch of reality, humor, and raw honesty. You’ll catch yourself nodding in agreement and understanding. Her writing is so intelligent and appealing, and makes you look at your own life and admit, I Could Be Wrong! — SF
Billie with her candid, witty, keen insight and hilarious writing style entertains and comforts with pizzaz! I LOVE this book. “I Could Be Wrong” is color, texture, and all heart. — SS
Hilarious! And beautifully written. By capturing her experience and allowing us to laugh, she has conjured an ageless way to shine. — HM