Say Something Ridiculous

If you’re looking for life hacks to make holiday socializing simpler and easier, I have some ideas for you. Some of them are seriously utilitarian, others are ridiculous. But I’ve learned from a million uncomfortable moments when my mouth runneth over with bullshit, and then I step in it, that ridiculous can be seriously utilitarian in a setting where people are on the precipice of conflict and you just want to get to the pie and ice cream before everyone melts down into their separate corners. Really, there should be an awards ceremony for people who successfully navigate the perils of random conversation over the holidays. Here are some pro tips.

I quit drinking, so this one is easy for me. Don’t drink too much. I know it seems like alcohol smooths over the rough spots at a gathering. And I confess to over-serving a particularly bitchy relative to make the conversation less antagonistic. But that doesn’t always work. In the past, I often over-served myself, and the things I said were as regrettable as they are memorable. Like, “Remember that time you guys all got herpes from the same back-up singer?” Alcohol is a myth. The benefits are temporary and the harms are forever.

Let a thousand ridiculous opinions bloom and don’t feel the need to be right about anything. Save your criticisms for the algorithms. Everyone hates them. Explain how you search on “world’s best chocolate” so you will be forever stalked online by chocolatiers. Challenge your company to find equally benign searches. Keep the conversation moving.

If the folks at your holiday table are so old that they don’t understand the internet, just ask them who was their favorite movie star, or what is their favorite black-and-white movie. Ask them what their parents would forbid them to do when they were young, and let the yarn unspool. For example, in the 1920s my great-grandfather would not allow my grandmother to sing on the radio, because good girls did not sing in public. They were just getting used to her showing her ankles. If you’re celebrating the holidays with the olds, dredge their minds for memories of the culture of their youth. Don’t talk about you. Talk about them. Ask light weight questions like “Were condoms really made from lamb intestines?”

Get a thoughtful look on your face and ask “What if dog poo was day-glow orange? Would people be more inclined to pick it up? Would surveillance cameras see it?” Of course, if you’re with the kind of people willing to entertain dog poo as a topic of conversation at a social gathering, then you’re probably in the safe zone anyway. Still, the discussion could be stimulating. Sciencey. Goes well with cannabis. Obviously, coloring dog poo to make it conspicuous has many benefits. Discuss. 

Hollywood gossip is an easy point of entry when you’re with people you don’t really know. Talk about which celebrity has the worst looking cosmetic surgery. This sort of punching up is safe unless you’re having dinner with movie stars or someone with a droopy facelift. Yes, it’s body shaming and soft-baked misogyny, but that’s the culture we live in. Be inclusive!

I’ve seen a lot of advice columns in the past few weeks about how to get through the holidays without alienating the people in your orbit who have a very different outlook from your own. As though we’ve all forgotten our manners and look forward to the holidays as a time to play verbal paintball. But do we really need to see a shrink or take lessons just to be kind? If someone in your group is insensitive enough to say something offensive, instead of getting angry, consider them a special needs person and allow space for their disability. Some of us were born without the capacity for empathy. Pretend to feel their pain. The holidays are not for changing people, they’re for masking our differences. Be a Disney princess. 

I remember having vegetarian neighbors in Texas who would hang over the fence during our July 4^th barbeque and yell, “You’re eating dead animals!” A thousand retorts came to mind, but our parents told us to ignore them and they would go away. This sort of inflammatory behavior has always been out there. The topics may change, but the feelings remain the same. So don’t take the bait. Don’t retaliate. Distract. Say something ridiculous. Have everyone take off their shoes and give prizes for best and worst socks. That’s common ground. Find it.